Thomas Lynch does not speak for me. And if all of funeral service continues to hold him as the all-knowing wizard of funeral-land he may just lead everyone down the yellow brick road to nonexistence. We can’t go backwards. The almighty public has spoken and we need to listen to them, not the man behind the casket.
At the NFDA 2013 Convention in Austin, TX last month, I attended a presentation by Thomas Lynch and Thomas Long. Lynch is a well-known funeral director and the author of the NY Times best seller book “The Undertaking”. Thomas G. Long is Bandy Professor of Preaching at Candler School of Theology, EmoryUniversity, and one of the most popular preachers in the United States today. They have co-written a book called “The Good Funeral” and this tag team presentation was basically a way to present their views and promote their book.
The room was filled with over 1000 funeral directors who listened intently, erupting into applause and laughter at various jokes and phrases delivered by the two experienced presenters. The two Toms knew how to get their audience of believers going just like a good preacher or politician does. Their talking points were well rehearsed and the “bro-mance” between the two of them was very evident. Their message was basically this; Funerals that are solemn and contemplative affairs with a body present and in a casket are “Good Funerals”. Anything else is nothing but fluff and a waste of time. Period. End of Story. No middle ground. No acknowledgement that the way the world communicates has changed. No compromise. Just a desire to have things the way they were in 1969.
They both spent the better part of an hour bashing anything that had to do with celebrating a life, uplifting stories about the deceased that focused accomplishments or good deeds, favorite music being played, tribute videos, personalization of any type, dove releases, photo collages, web sites, web casting of funerals, etc., etc., etc. According to them if it didn’t exist in 1969 (an arbitrary date that I picked) then it has no place in a “Good Funeral”. Well, maybe a new hearse is OK, but that’s about it.
I don’t want to make this a personal attack. Both Toms are amazingly talented, successful, intelligent men. They are well spoken, well written, articulate and entertaining. They make you think, they make you laugh. They are passionate about their beliefs. But they don’t speak for me. And the reality is that they don’t speak for the majority of funeral consumers in the United States. And I don’t think they should be speaking for all of funeral service either.
I believe: The true value of a funeral is the Gathering Together of People and the Sharing of Stories. Stories of love, memories, respect, and honor. We gather together because we, as human beings, need that contact and the emotional connection we get from being with one another. We gather together at happy times and sad times. We gather at births, graduations, weddings, anniversaries, retirements and deaths. We gather to worship, to praise, to celebrate and to mourn. And at every one of those gatherings…. we tell stories. It is through those stories that we heal and grow and love.
It’s our job as funeral directors to make that Gathering easy, comfortable, meaningful and memorable for all who attend. It’s our job to help people tell their stories and help people hear the stories from friends and relatives.
Gather Together…..Share the Stories…..Celebrate a Life…..Heal the Heart.
It is not our job to dictate how they gather or why they gather or where they gather. It is not our job to dictate what stories they tell or how they tell their stories. Do you tell Catholics they need to have funerals like the Baptists? Do you tell the African-Americans they need to have funerals like the Amish? NO!!! Then why does funeral service think they can tell the Karaoke Crowd, or the Pig Roast in the back-yard crowd, or the balloon release crowd that what they are doing is WRONG. And that is what Thomas Lynch is preaching. He says that all of this new stuff is WRONG.
Telling people they are wrong is not going to get you very far in business. Sure, funeral service will bring out their grief experts to say that viewing the body is a good thing and people who suffer from complicated grief didn’t view. They will use humorous clichés like “You can pay the shrink, you can pay the bartender, or you can pay the funeral director.” Or they will compare funeral directors to doctors that have to tell patients about cancer and the best course of treatment. But grief is not cancer and what about the 99% of people who didn’t choose the view the body and are doing just fine in their grief recovery. Where is the data on them? There isn’t any because there is no problem.
The two Tom’s definition of a “Good Funeral” does exactly what I am saying. It gathers people together and they share stories. Maybe their gathering is somber and reflective. Maybe their stories come from the Bible. Maybe viewing the body is an important part of their story telling. I am honored to help them share their story in a way that fits their lifestyle, customs and beliefs.
But if the family wants to gather in the back yard, with a karaoke machine and release balloons while singing Fred’s favorite song, they are not wrong. They are different from the two Toms. Yet, they are the same. Because they too, are gathering together and sharing stories which will help heal their heart.
If I want to stay in business I am going to make sure I can provide the karaoke machine in addition to the church truck. I am going to make sure I can restore an old photograph with Photoshop just as well as I restore a 92 year old grandma’s body who spent the last two years in a nursing home. I am going to make sure my facility can be set up with chairs in neat rows one day and round tables with matching center pieces and wine bottles the next.
My job is to help people Gather Together and Share the Stories. If I do that, they will heal on their own, in their own way, without me telling them what to do.
Dale-Time 
Hi Dale. My sentiments exactly.
http://www.amazon.com/review/R2D9PTR7A59B6S/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R2D9PTR7A59B6S
BT
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Encouraging families to be involved with the care of their dead IS old-fashion, VERY old-fashion, like, millions of years ago old-fashion.
Across cultures and throughout time, caring for the dead has been a necessary obligation, but one which has been considered a demonstration of respect to those who have lived and, therefore, an honor for those alive to do the work. And there is value in the work. The living need to bring the dead where it is that the dead need to go. The living do it for the dead who cannot do it for themselves.
If that chosen place is the flame, show up. If that chosen place is the grave, show up. If that chosen place is the mausoleum, show up. If that place is the medical school, show up.
What Thomas Lynch suggests IS radical. It is radical not because it is ‘old-fashion’ but because it has fallen out of fashion. And don’t kid yourselves–it has not fallen out of fashion because our families/clients have requested as such. It has fallen out of fashion because, as funeral directors, you have spent your career looking for ways to make disposition of the dead easier for the family who survives (which sounds nobel enough). But the way in which funeral directors, almost universally have ‘made things easier for the family’ is by doing the work FOR the family. I’m not suggesting you have the grandson stand in line at the county medical examiner’s to await cremation authorization. I’m suggesting you encourage him to carry his Papa’s casket. Even if it is a tray. Even if will be placed in a mini-van. Even if it makes his biceps burn with the strain and his eyes sting with his attempt to hold back hot tears. Be a pallbearer and be a witness. It is part of being a grandson (or a widow, a parent, sibling, etc.). The doing is a privilege, it is an honor, it is the body work that is going to make the heart hurt less. If you do not believe this fact, you ought not to be in the company of the recently dead or recently bereaved.
We as funeral directors should be redefining ourselves as professionals–we need not be cameramen or candelabra lighters, nor photo scanners and PowerPointers, nor story tellers and collage arrangers, nor wranglers of butterflies and custodians of white pigeons. We need to reposition ourselves as professional who help the family to help their dead. No longer should we be doing it for the family. It is their work to do. And, after the essential is done, should the family should request, the funeral director may then provide the accessory LifeStryStone, etc.
Additionally, I recommend a rewrite of your review (BT) and blog post (DC) AFTER you read the book on which you have commented. Read, think, then, write. Back to basic boys, back to basics.
Great thoughts Dale. My recent gatherings were a comforting to me and my family and still remain with me. Thanks a lot. It was a fine service. Dad
My friends still marvel how you kept the show alive when the video kept loading and you followed with a song. Your Mom would have been proud of you as was I. You are the greatest…….Dad
What an incredible compliment to give your son!! I too, agree!
I did not get to see the presentation but from your description, I would also disagree. Thank you for your insightful critique.
Hooray! Finally someone in funeral service in touch with the consumer.
Thank you.
he is OLD FASHION, you have to adapt with the change, and do what your community is calling for, our firm handle a lot of different kinds of services, from the most traditional to the more elaborate, but is because we know how to change, what you need to do is not buy their BOOKS, so they can rethink their thinking on funeral services.
Sincerely yours
Mr. Daughtry B. Melton III/OWNER
Southview Mortuary ,Inc.
I attended the expo at the NFDA convention and missed “The Two Toms” presentation but from walking the floor I saw nothing earth shattering or a game changer for the industry. I did see a lot of product.
Is it ironic that the convention was held in one of the more progressive, vibrant and fast growing cities in the U.S. and had a keynote presentation based on antiquated ideas? way to go NFDA you party like its 1969.
Celebrating life, listening to families and customizing services to heal I’m all for- in fact it is imperative… but I don’t think Lynch was saying anything contrary. The importance was set on the presence of the body. Call it “Old Fashioned” if you want, provide the karaoke machine and the church truck…. but without that church truck…what have you got that every hotel, restaurant and every other venue actively vying for the reservation doesn’t? What differs from their “event coordinators” and a funeral director. If you think I am b.s.ing the scenario, google it.
“Old Fashioned” thinking goes way beyond our profession because our service evoked for the convenience for families to have the presence of the body… something humans have placed importance on healing and the grief process since the beginning of time. It’s not something we “made up” for profit. So keep talking everyone out of our involvement, we’ll all get crematories and hire two “body disposers” to operate them. Better yet, the sanitation departments can pick up the task. Because coordinating that pig roast, mowing the backyard and renting the karaoke machine is what I want to do the day after my mother dies. Why are they all mesmerized and clapping?…. because we all want to do our jobs.
Susan, Your job is and always has been that of an event planner. It’s just that your event usually included a body in a box with flowers all around it. You had all the equipment and people necessary to make that event happen. But now days people are calling the body disposers instead of you because as you said in your reply that you don’t want to coordinate the back yard party if it doesn’t have a body present. Contrary to what Mr. Lynch preaches is that I don’t believe that a body is a required part of a good funeral. It’s just another great way of sharing a story.
Amen
You’re both right! There is still a need for the body but the body can be brought forward in a new way–at an eco-friendly funeral with the body carried by family to a hand-dug grave site in a green cemetery; at a home, hospice, or hospital vigil where family members can gather around the body in the hours after death. Cremation causes things to roll by so fast as you well know–we seem to go from body in bed to body in small plastic box so fast–but thoughtful, up-to-date funeral directors and celebrants can slow things down. I read Lynch to recall days gone by and learn what was right about them. But I totally agree with you
. Lynch does not speak for us. We are in for a new day and I’m prepared and excited about it. No more doom and gloom and talk of oblivion. Baby boomers will embrace their ending with characteristic zeal and premeditation. Amy Cunningham, funeral director, editor TheInspiredFuneral.com.
Thank you, Dale! You are a beacon for the future of the profession. As “The Toms” were speaking, all I could think about was how it felt like I was watching an old black-and-white episode of the Twilight Zone. These men are trapped in the past. It is so unfortunate that people in their community are being under-served because they refuse to change.
Great article and in my opinion, the RIGHT interpretation.
I wasn’t in Austin, but could only imagine. Great job Dale and I second your thoughts. Wonder what the thoughts are about cremation?? Bad funeral or good!!!!
I was at opening session listening to them. As a Celebrant, I felt disrespected. My work is meaningful and, while I prefer the family have a viewing, many of my services are without the body. Still, we acknowledge the death, the sorrow and the pain. Then we remember the ringside seat on the life, the joy and the relationship. I have had occasion to have a karaoke sing along to Mom’s favorite song. How is that different from everyone singing from a hymnal? It’s different because it’s relevant. Mom was not a believer, not a church-goer. She sang Patsy Cline while she cleaned her house. Singing Patsy’s song to her, was an expression of love.
While, as a funeral director myself, I respect their opinion, I did not feel inspired to go to the ‘special presentation’ they offered.
Time to write your own book!
Well said, Dale! It’s not our place to tell families how to grieve. We are there to help them on their journey. Flexibility may be the best asset we bring to the table. We’re not going back to the funerals of thirty plus years ago. Cookie cutter services, ie traditional services, served no one but the lazy FD who was not creative enough to come up with something that actually served the family and their guests. Let’s keep your message going! Thank you for standing up and speaking your mind.
Dale you hit the nail on the head. And guys like Tom and Thomas are the reason why I, myself, a 20 year veteran of creating meaningful Celebration of Life Tributes have left the industry and gone elsewhere to find satisfaction in their careers. In my career I honed a gift, a skill or a craft as some may call it…to LISTEN to people, draw out their memories and PRODUCE a one to two day event that is therapeutic and healing. It gets the deceased where they need to go and the living where they need to be….CREMATION OR BURIAL!!!
I am also a CERTIFIED LIFE CYCLE CELEBRANT which I am proud of….I (my opinion) think it should be a pre-requisite to a funeral service license. If I had 250,000 dollars and two or three people who thought like me…I could go into any community in the US and open a Life Tribute Center and erase the local funeral home that is giving the Tom and Thomas service. But because of broken promises of owners like Tom and Thomas i left the industry to pursue something else where my talents would be appreciated and I could do more than eek out a living and live pay check to pay check.
Alkaline Hydrolysis platforms anyone? I’m changing funeral service as I post. You don’t have to like it, but it’s coming anyway! Its all about letting families know their options. Not to tell them whats good, how ridiculous is that, he just wants to fatten his wallet. Let’s rack up a bill of goods and services, here’s an idea, let’s get rid of all that shit, if you don’t want it, you don’t need it. You have the option to do whatever you want to do. That’s what families need, options! If they want to have a BBQ, fine, whatever, who cares? If you need ideas, I have been in funeral service all of my life, I will be happy to help with suggestions or ideas on how to celebrate your loved ones life. Do it in a creative way that reflects on their life,
“I don’t want to make this a personal attack”…What a statement full of ambiguity. Not only is this a personal attack on Dr. Long and Thomas Lynch but also the readers that were in the audience with you that day that you portray as a buch of lemmings. I too, didn’t toally agree with everything presented, and I viewed it as an error on the part of NFDA to turn the opeing ceremony into a book report. Did you miss the part of the presentation where they discussed the reconstruction and viewing of the murdered little girl? If that story didn’t refresh your view of this profession then sir I might suggest you should find something else to do.
Further, what was presented was one option, one opinion, and one view, if you think it is so important to counter that with such a condecending report, I submint you do not have much faith in the cognative ability of you fellow funeral professional.
Hi Dale, great read and I agree. We have started a mobile site that helps funeral directors help the families they serve share information in a new and refreshing way. We also met opposition to mobile information and new ways of doing things. But the funeral homes that use us, relay that the families love the service. Please check us out and and we are open to your feedback. mobimemories
Torn between two worlds. Lynch and Long are right as to the healthful way to observe a death. The public has made it clear that is NOT what they wish. I am in an 80% cremation market with a mixed bag of “remedies”. I wish Long and Lynch were right but the song they sing falls flat to many. I will continue to push ballons, bagpipes, bird releases, videos, receptions in lieu of service, etc rather than nothing at all. This what we see. Thanks for the discussion.
Dale, beautifully stated. I agree it is time for you to write a book. The Clock’s should be a two author family.
I think your words resonate with the essential conflict of our profession. Nicely written-and without doubt, telling families they are wrong to want what they want IS the #1 way to ensure your funeral firm fails. Thanks for the fine read – and you certainly stirred the pot, eh?! Love all the comments!
Well said Dale. Society will always dictate the funeral ceremony and what they want. We are there yo give them what they want whatever that is, tradstional or non tradational
Great article. I’ve also read the “The Good Funeral.” I appreciate the spirited discussion.
I can see your point, however the question comes to mind…Are you anti-embalming and restorative art? Do you not see the value of the final viewing? I have written an article I would be happy to share with you about not being able to view my grandmother when she died and the impact that had on me. It was not good. To make matters worse, I could not view her due to poor embalming, likely from a funeral director who couldn’t care less about good embalming results, and my family suffered. Is this how you see the future of the industry? Forget embalming and viewing, let’s have a gathering somewhere instead with piped in iTunes and sodas while grandma’s ashes are neatly tucked away in a dark closet?
Excellent work Dale…thanks for sharing your professional experience and viewpoint.
I think what makes me successful in my area is that I do NOT provide “cookie-cutter” 1969 funerals. I am in touch with todays trends and most importantly, I listen to my families and give them the service that THEY want
Your services are a transitional moment in the relationship the living have shared with the deceased. The responsibility/control in that relationship is forever altered. We depend on you to provide sensitivity to the internal/emotional journey that has been the story. Atmosphere, tone setting are your greatest gift to those who depend on you. Thanks for recognizing and bearing the human pain.