I’m sure this happens to other funeral directors all over the country.
You know people around town. You come in contact with them at church, at the clubs and associations you belong to or at restaurants you frequent. Maybe they are high school classmates from years ago. Maybe they are your children’s friends parents that you’ve gotten to know at sporting events or dance recitals. You see them at funerals and visitations that you are working at. You develop a relationship with them. Sometimes those relationships are pretty close and sometimes those relationships have existed for 20 plus years.
Then a death occurs in their family and they call the “other” funeral home in town.
When that happens to me I tend to take it very personally. It feels like a total rejection of who I am and what I stand for. It hurts me deeply, right down to my core. I rarely show up at the visitation or service to pay my respects because I feel like if they didn’t call me to help them through their tough time, they don’t want to see me at all. I’d just make them uncomfortable or feel guilty.
Some people may think that what I’m really upset about is the money that I’m not making off of this family. I will admit that the financial side is part of it. In these days, in this economy, with the dramatic shift in our mix of business I need every funeral I can get, just to keep the doors open. I know the public thinks that the funeral industry is recession proof and people will always need us. But they have no clue, nor do they care, how challenging these times are business wise for so many of us in the funeral business. But it is the emotional rejection that I feel that hurts the most.
So I commiserate in private or with my fellow employees who understand, because they feel like this too when it happens to them. We try to figure out why they called the other funeral home. Did they know somebody that worked there? Was it family tradition or was there a pre-arrangement from years ago? Was it location or a perceived price difference? Did I say or do something that ticked them off? Did they not like my therapy dog or the latest remodel I did or the fact that we are moving away from the old traditions and trying some new stuff like Life Stories and Videos? The list could go on for several paragraphs.
Chances are I’ll never know. Because when I see them the next time I’ll just be nice and act like nothing happened. And they will have no idea how much their decision effected me personally. For them it was like deciding whether to go to Chili’s or Applebee’s for dinner. I’ve talked with some non-funeral industry friends about this and they tell me I have to learn not to take it so personally. That it will just drive me crazy. I know they’re right and usually I get over it in a couple days. Until the next time it happens and I go through it all over again.
I’m Dale Clock. Thanks for Listening
Dale-Time 
Gosh Dale. I was sure it was me that wrote this blog. And I thought I was the only one who took it so personally. You are right, the personal rejection is by far the worst. I too take it very personally…….and folks that are not in our profession just don’t understand. I hurt with you.
Dale….very interesting piece and I agree with you, feeling exactly the same way. What is it about what we do that makes us like this?
You are spot on when you make the Chili’s -Applebee’s analogy…funeral service is becoming a commodity and most outsiders have no idea how emotionally invested we are in our firms, whether we own them or not.
Over the years I have come up with a non-scientific explanation….5-10% of a population is strongly tied to one funeral home or another…they are cheerleaders for “their” firm. About 10-20% have an idea as to who they would use if confronted with a death, but can be easily swayed by by someone like a pastor, hospice nurse or trusted caregiver. The remaining folks give it as much thought as they do deciding where to get a flat tire fixed, which is sad because there are such great differences between funeral homes.
Good commentary and an inside view of what makes us….us.
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Greetings, Dale. I come by way of Ray’s “A Simple Village Undertaker”.
Although I am no longer actively practicing, while I was I remember hearing something quite some time ago I have always felt applies quite nicely. This is not a precise quote, but here’s the gist:
Jesus was a wonderful man, indeed Savior of the world-and look at what they did to Him. If He conldn’t be all things to all people, how can we humans ever hope to?
Hello all – I’m Dale’s wife Jodi Clock, and I couldn’t agree more with my husband regarding his sentiments on this particular blog. There’s one other component that I will voice that Dale didn’t touch on regarding this topic. It’s when we are a regular patron of the deceased’s, or the decision maker’s local business. Dale and I, just like other locally owned and operated business owners try very hard to spend our money with other small business owners within our community. Funerals are a very personal and private affair. Yes,there is a financial side – as in every other business, but taking care of people is what feeds our soul and is why we continue to remain in this career. Dale and I realize we can and never will be all things to all people, nor should we be. Competition in business is a good thing, it keeps us from becoming stagnant. I guess it would just be less awkward for everyone if the elephant in the room that isn’t being discussed was discussed, so as a business owner we could learn from the conversation and just move forward not wondering “why”.
I understand. I get ticked off when that happens too and I don’t even own the business. I beat myself up over the “why” question for days. But what really bothers me, and I am sure that it happens to you, is that the family will seek you out and ask questions such as applying for social security or veteran’s benefits. I honestly believe in myself as a funeral director/embalmer and the place where I work that we are better than the other places and I do take it personal too! But what do you do? You get up the next morning and try your best again.
Dale, I just wanted to thank you for this extremely candid post. It’s transparency like this that a lot of people (well, at least me) connect with and it isn’t easy to put it all out there like that.
I know that us non-Directors have a lot to learn when it comes to the feelings that a Director has every day about situations we can’t relate to because we don’t have to deal with them. I’ve come to learn about some of these feelings/issues, and its only made my respect for those in the funeral profession grow.
Sincerely, thanks Dale.
Mike
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I feel your pain, I truly do. Having owned a hair salon for 13 years, I have been in your shoes many times. I, too, have gone out of my way to support local businesses while watching the proprietors support the “other salon” blatantly. I will never understand why people do this and at times have become severely depressed by it. There seems to be no loyalty anymore.